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October 31, 2002
fear..
was watchin the portland-sacramento game tonite (the fifth consecutive game ive watched out of possible six). terrible game almost as one-sided as the wiz-celtics game earlier. for some reason, as much as i want the kings to beat the lakers i wanted the blazers to beat the kings. although i dont like the way the blazers play, i dont care much for the kings to beat em. anyways..
i was thinkin about how good rasheed wallace. i mean, there was no reason tonite for him to not take over portlands offense esp w/ cwebb out. but he didnt. most of his shots were jumpers and he was even fadin on em when defended by keon clark. i mean, CMON man!! clark has stilts for legs--you can bang against him in the post!!
anyways, i began to wonder about why sheed wasnt takin it in--why he was settlin for an outside shot. he has to know his talent and the potential resultin from that. wuts motivatin him to stay on the perimeter rather than postin up or drivin the lane? or maybe, wuts preventin him from doin wut he could easily do?
my deduction: fear..
im sure sheed is a competitive person and has a strong desire to win games. however, i got the feelin thru the course of this game that the fear he has of not bein successful in a seemingly-easy matchup for him weighed more on his mind than his concentration to actually make it so..
and i think im the same in many situations..
id say a lotta times the way i do things--maybe even live life--is driven by a fear that ill screw things up if i try my best. i mean if i give it my all and things dont work out, wut does that mean? that i tried and there is nothin more i couldve done--and so im a bonafide failure..
so wut do i often do when i have those thoughts? i dont try my hardest--my best effort. i hold back and if/when things dont work out, i have a reason. yes, a lame excuse to fall back on. i think this behaviour is described in social psychology; somethin called self-limitin.......i dont remember. if you do, lemme know..
since becomin enamored by michael jordan, ive tried to change this attitude. you know, the whole 'youll always miss 100% of the shots you dont take' idea. i mean, wut do i really hafta lose by givin my best that im not already losin by holdin back?
i dunno why i was extrapolatin all this from rasheed-cant-read wallace (or am i projectin?). maybe its just on my mind lately. but anyways, enough about me..
"i can accept failure. everyone fails at something. but i cant accept not trying.." - mj
Posted by chars at 11:59 PM | Comments (1)
October 28, 2002
weekly rant..
okay, its not that bad this wk but things could be better..
looks like my record for week 8 is 5-1, which is fantastic. however, the lone loss comes again in the league i am givin the most effort in. and its frickin ridiculous!! its my 7th consecutive loss and this time only by 5 stinkin pts!! cmon, throw me a bone!! im so pissed..
this mornin i was thinkin: i couldnt even repeat this 7-game lose streak if i TRIED. and wut makes it worse is that my effort is sincere: i think hard and read so much over wut calls to make for the week--all to no damn avail. i guess thats how i know i live in the real world cuz hard work is not necessarily rewarded..
but 5-1, although not quite makin up for my loser-ness, certainly soothes the thorn in my side. duce runnin for another 100+ tonite--wow, he really might be the RB for philly..
anyways, a whole new fanatacism begins tomorr nite. DOWN WITH THE LAKERS!!
Posted by chars at 11:59 PM | Comments (3)
October 27, 2002
how can you tell im a soundtrack freak?
i originally conceived of this list back in the middle of sept, but was tryin to make it a "listenable" one where you can click on each theme to hear it. alas, i couldnt find one of the tracks so now im decidin the heck w/ it..
Top Five Themes for the National Football League
i really dunno how im gonna describe these--how does one give words to music? well, ill try my darndest..
1) NFL Today (CBS) - the best. minor key. progresses upward endin w/ a bang. classy cuz the repetition is not overdone. seriously, i get so pumped when i hear this one before and after the commercials..
2) NFL on Fox (Fox) - for a while, ive considered this only second-best. however, i am quickly becomin fond of it. very energetic and quickly-paced. almost conveys a military-ish feel. best one-word description: martial-like..
3) NFL Countdown/Primetime/2Night (ESPN) - has the same quality attributes as the others: highly rhythmic, minor, and cascadin up to the climax. man, i sound like a pretentious orchestra conductor..
4) Monday Night Football (ABC) - as famed and storied as this show/game is, im just not fond of the theme (im not talkin about the podunk, country song sung by the cowboy-version of kenny rogers). its the exact opposite of the top three: in a major key, spirals downwards (although it does come back up to end), and no rhythmic excitement (kinda stale, in fact). just doesnt work..
5) NBA on NBC (NBC) - okay, so i had to fill the fifth slot w/ a joke. wut am i suppose to do? there are only FOUR football networks!! besides, wut else is NBC gonna do w/ this theme?
lemme know wut you think..
Posted by chars at 09:04 AM | Comments (4)
October 24, 2002
check ball..
havent done this in a while, but have been meanin to. i think the lack of original and complete ideas makes it difficult. but when they do come, i hafta write..
Top Five Things to Look for this NBA Season
5) poor john tesh - no more royalties for the former-entertainment-tonight host now that abc/espn has snatched the television rights from nbc. it will be interestin (and likely great) to see how it pans out. best things so far: games on fri nites and the commercials on espn ("szerbiack!! szerbiack!!)..
4) beasts of the east - the past three seasons have produced three different conference champions. can we get a little consistency here? or is this the parity that should exist league-wide as it does in the nfl? sports illustrated has the nets comin out on top again, but many teams are stacked: indiana is young, new orleans (sounds weird) is deep, and the wiz have retooled--course it helps to have god on your team. on that note..
3) swan songs - by seasons end we may see four future hall-of-famers hangin it up: the other tower (d rob), mailbag--i mean mailman, his partner-in-crime, and mj (well, you never know w/ him). wow, it will then really be a new era in the league..
2) yao-sers - a lotta hype on the new 7'5 toothpick in texas, in part created by the dramatic entrance thanks to his home govt. but all the roadsigns in the past couple seasons were pointin to him as he may be the culmination of the next step in the evolution of the game: big foreigners w/ the skills to play away from the basket..
1) who will slay the giant? - will someone please dethrone the lakers? i mean im all for sound, fundamental basketball--crisp passin, good spacin between players, and energy on defense. but who really wants to watch shaq and kobe make it four come june? the best chances:
- san antonio: just need a little more from their perimeter players..
- dallas: they will score, but will they play defense?
- portland: they always have a shot cuz of their depth esp w/ sabonis back..
- sacramento: they have the motivation and the game--now just get the job done this yr..
to be honest, one wk ago i was mildly concerned that i wouldnt be as interested in the nba this yr, esp early on since football will still be in season. ha--who am i kiddin..
Posted by chars at 06:06 PM | Comments (5)
October 23, 2002
out there..
i read this fascinatin article last wk on the likelihood of life outside of this planet. then i watched the rest of one of my favorite films, contact, which happened to be on tv. man, it was like some martian was bombardin me w/ alien messages that day..
i came across that article--written in 1988--in last weeks tuesday mornin QB (which is a pretty nice column. its well-written and examines nearly all the possibilities one could think very thoughtfully. i dont really wanna go into it here. but if you chance, read it--its not as long as it looks..
i guess wut i wanted to say is that it really makes me wonder. cuz it would be SO coo to just even know that another form of intelligent life exists in the universe. imagine how incredibly crazy that would be? another race that we can intelligently communicate with!!
one intriguigin yet sad possibility the writer addressed was that even if another race existed, we might be the most advanced. man, if thats the case then forget it--ill just stick with my dogs as the only other creatures i can command to poop and fetch (uh--not fetch the poop though)..
anyways, it was a good article..
Posted by chars at 11:21 PM | Comments (3)
October 21, 2002
monday mornin vomit..
my weekly fantasy rant..
looks like im goin 3-3 this wk. couldve easily been 5-1 had i started joe horn in place of az hakim (wut da hell was i smokin?) and nate clements (ray lucas' favorite receiver) instead of ronde barber..
but the real stinger is my record in the league im focusin the most on--its now fallen to 1-6 and i am decisively scrapin the dirt off everyone elses shoes (12th place). the tiny bit of optimism i have rests in the fact that we re doin playoffs so i have until wk 15 to make it to 8th place. and then its a clean slate and the pot is up for the takin..
on a nicer note, the other league which has (much more) money on the line ive made a 4-win comeback tear to reach 4th place..
okay, this rantin is suppose to be my catharsis--instead, its gettin me all pissed off again..
Posted by chars at 12:46 PM | Comments (2)
October 19, 2002
self-identification..
arent nicknames interestin? not the kinds that are shorter for real names: 'bill' for 'william' or 'bert' for 'albert', but the kinds where people come up with some random alias. like 'mungmungdog'. or 'p-diddy'. its just funny, aint it?
mine, for instance, is 'stuttersteps'. ill be honest--the first time i used it was for one of the first basketball fantasy leagues i joined and i tried to come up w/ somethin coo. i always thought the stutter-step move was coo on the court, so a name was born. since then, its stuck with a lot of the accounts/aliases ive created--on xanga or espn..
i find it intriguigin when i hear of other peoples aliases cuz it obviously reveals somethin of who they are. granted, the names may have been created on a whim or from some lame-crazy-stupid story, but it remains a part of their identity. or a complete separate one in and of itself..
its funny--with all the effort we make in tryin to connect to other people or be a part of somethin bigger or greater, we still make room to set our individual self out..
Posted by chars at 05:29 PM | Comments (8)
October 18, 2002
small joys..
i was lyin in bed last nite tryin to fall asleep. i go thru cycles upon cycles of weird and meanderin thoughts, rangin from who my dream fantasy team of the wk would be to wut callin in life would make me the happiest..
anyways, last nite i was thinkin about how mundane my life is right now. since im still unemployed, every day is basically the same day esp with esther goin to work every day. although im a morning person who usually wakes up w/ pounce in my step because each day is a new day, lately my the pounce has been lackin--cuz if every day is the same, wut hope is there for today to be any different than the day before?
yet in spite of all this aboundin pessimism, it occurred to me there are a few things i look forward to--my small joys in this current state of life:
- law & order at noon (each mornin works itself up to this point)
- sundays: (nfl all day--although the fantasy aspect makes it a double-edged sword. "damn!! ANOTHER INT by trent green??!!")
- when the wifey comes back from work (cuz its just good to have her home)
other than that, its the mere hope that a job will turn up. and it will--hopefully sooner rather than christmas..
Posted by chars at 12:05 PM | Comments (0)
October 17, 2002
dork..
so my absolute favorite tv show without question right now is law and order and now that its on tnt regularly at noon, 7pm, and 11pm im goin absolutely nuts. ill admit though, ive been refrainin from the monday evenin 5-hr marathons cuz i choose to watch football instead. but if football werent on..
i think all the law and order shows are great: svu because of the perverted twists and criminal intent cuz of the main character (great actor). but the original wins tops em cuz of the intriguigin maneuvers made in and about the legal issues..
anyways, ya kno how at the beginnin of each episode we hear a tagline narrated by a deep, somber voice? "in the criminal justice system, the people are represented..." yeah, that one. well, ive memorized it. and i repeat it. as it is spoken. word-for-word. no joke..
esther calls me a dork for doin it. and shes not commentin on how annoyin i am--shes sayin im really a loser. but she still luvs me inspite of it (or was it because of it?). well, i probly am. but i cant help it--its so coo. its automatic in me--when i see that law and order logo appear against the blackground, its reflex. besides, it gets me pumped up for each episode..
"...by two separate yet equally important groups: the police who investigate crime and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders. these are their stories." BAHM-BAHM!!
Posted by chars at 08:52 AM | Comments (3)
October 14, 2002
fantasy rant..
damn..
okay, so im playin in six fantasy football leagues this season. my record up to this wk has never exceeded 0.500: always 1-5 or 2-4. pathetic..
this week, however, as of right i am 3-3 and have a good chance of goin 4-2. the worst part is one the two leagues im tryin the hardest in (because those have the pots) im doin the worst in. granted, my team needed a QB in the first few wks and needs a more consistent third-string RB. but even the wks my team does pretty well, i cant catch a freakin break. tonite, i need darrell jackson and kevan barlow to bust out for 3 TDs--not entirely unreasonable, right?
at least in the other league im focusin on (the stakes are MUCH higher there), i started out poorly and have now won three-in-a-row. and thats w/ a shiftin QB each wk. last wk it was jamie martin. this wk it was tommy maddox. next wk, how bout jim miller?
fantasy sports and the job search--the two stressors in my life right now..
Posted by chars at 08:58 AM | Comments (3)
October 11, 2002
am i just crazy?
so its kinda weird..
the nba season is about three wks away, so that means all the fantasy games are rearin up to go. and for the first time since i got into this, i havent been peein in my pants in anticipation..
dont get me wrong--ive already begun two serious leagues and today joined a couple others. but i have done nowhere near the due diligence i should in preparation for a draft tomorr morn! its weird..
i feel a lot of it has to do w/ my excitement for football this season--im just goin crazy over the nfl. its like im tastin ice cream for the very first time! whyd it take me so long to realize how great the game is on top of how well the league has been managed? not a half-day goes by when i dont read up on somethin havin to do w/ a team or player. i constantly scour espn and sportingnews for fantasy updates (actually, i dont since i know which days and times their columnists publish their stuff)..
so am i on the edge of that cliff ready to jump the chasm between basketball and football? am i gonna start wakin up early to go thru football drills (as oppose to wakin up early to play madden)? i already spend my entire sundays in front of the tv and computer, watchin the games and keepin track of the stats..
the bigger and more central question here doesnt rest on somethin as superficial or fleetin as sports. but more on my crazy fanaticism--seriously, i think im crazy..
just before i went off to college, i was told by someone that i was a 'fanatic'. never before had the thought occurred to me to be labelled as such. but as i thought back on my life then and as i think back now, it is nothin but the truth..
my first memory of followin somethin so obsessively was superman. contrary to wut the picture on the right shows, i was clark kent always rippin my shirt open to reveal a big S (actually, my skinny little body). i ran around ('flew') constantly as the man of steel, leapin off couches, and hummin that unmistakable theme. in the car, id stick my fists out the window zoomin down the highway. my grandmother even made a cape for me w/ the signature yellow insignia on the back (man, that cape was awesome)!
anyways, from there memory tells me i moved on to james bond. then macgyver. then back to the future, john williams, steven spielberg, animaniacs, x-men, steven curtis chapman, michael jordan. hmm, is that it? im sure there were more minor obsessions but those are the big ones. each lasts somewhere between one to three years and even afterwards, doesnt fade so much as is lessened in severity by the onset of another..
so am i crazy? it almost sounds like im a kid who is given a new toy, plays w/ it to death until hes given a new one. and the cycle repeats itself. is this any way to live? maybe its the only way for me to live--to be stimulated so much by somethin that i nearly try to emulate it. in a way, its my goal...my hope..
in the meantime, i should really try to make my next job the object of my fanaticism cuz i sure i need one..
Posted by chars at 11:59 PM | Comments (1)
October 10, 2002
more links..
- should i make it a career?
- its incredible how intimate in detail people share their lives..
Posted by chars at 07:30 PM | Comments (1)
October 09, 2002
gummi berry juice..
have i ever mentioned how much i LUV mountain dew? the other day when esther and i were at the grocery store, i literally freaked out when i saw this 24-pack tailgater pack for like $5.49. i freaked cuz: 1) i never seen so much mountain dew in one package before, and 2) its usually like $3 for every 12 cans. so needless to say, im more than halfway thru the pack..
seriously, there is somethin i find so refreshin in mountain dew. ill admit coke is good. esther got me really into coke and there is NOTHIN like chuggin a nice, cold can of the classic while eatin take-out chinese--i imagine it has somethin to do w/ washin down all the msg..
but mountain dew is somethin else. its sweet. its not as heavy as coke. and its just loaded w/ caffeine and yellow-5. funny, i was scourin the mountain dew fansites and came across this warnin: "Please Note: Mountain Dew is not contraception! It does not lower sperm count, and/or reduce the risk of pregnancy!"
haha, cmon--no one needs to say it outright. everyone knows its all a myth.... right? isnt it? hmm, maybe i should email the surgeon general..
i know there are dissenters out there--the chief bein esther. she wont touch that stuff. and i cant blame her--i mean after all, look at the color. i would say its of a very unnatural hue but.....it isnt. plus, ive read mountain dew has the highest concentration of caffeine of all soft drinks. so wut--like sodas are suppose to be good for you in any kinda way..
i used to luv mello yello more than mountain dew--i think cuz its taste sweeter to my taste buds. but now i do the dew cuz for wutever reason baltimore area grocery stores dont pack mello yello. oh well, who cares--as long as it has that magical ingredient of yellow-5..
Posted by chars at 11:59 PM | Comments (2)
October 08, 2002
the american dream..
read an interestin piece in sundays washington post magazine--insightful foray into americas favorite department superstore, wal-mart..
basically, the writer tells the story of wal-marts success and contradictions by explorin one store in southern maryland. we hear the praises of devoted employees while readin the trials of others--one managers ride to the top is anothers failure to do so..
it was fascinatin to see the article unfold cuz the way it starts and reads in the first half is a very complimentary and almost fawnin tale of the company and its business: employees hired w/o discrimination of capability or disability, one mans rise from ground level to store manager, and wal-marts very original business model..
but in the latter half, we read of complaints, unethical practices (workers LOCKED IN for inventory), lawsuits...and the story behind peoples eyes--of trailer park homes and minimum wage lives. its an excellent piece of writin because of the two-sided picture we see of not just wal-mart, but of people and the real world they/we live in..
i think the lead-in on the cover of the magazine says it best: "socks in bulk, last-chance jobs and a long shot at the american dream now available at wal-mart"..
hmm, maybe i should see about findin a job there..
Posted by chars at 11:59 PM | Comments (1)
October 07, 2002
it is your destiny..
mufasa returns. as long as he doesnt put on the suit, im fine..
Posted by chars at 11:40 AM | Comments (2)
October 05, 2002
schadenfreude..
YANKEES LOST!!
to the ANGELS!!
in FOUR GAMES!!
amazin..
i dont even follow baseball. and id rather see the As win it all. but im savorin every drop. hmm, maybe parity does exist outside the nfl..
now come may lets see some cryin in LA..
Posted by chars at 11:59 PM | Comments (2)
October 04, 2002
rookie of the year?
odd seein red-and-black with someone elses face on it, right? well, get used to it--baldys in drab blue and the new kid is in town..
ah yeah, trainin camp has begun in the nba meanin the season is upon us. although the bulls arent likely to make the playoffs, ill watch them play if i can, for jaywill alone..
remember the last time houston had the number one pick?? okay im not sayin i believe in reincarnation or makin comparisons--just that theres excitement in the air over in the windy city..
now sink those damn free throws!!
Posted by chars at 02:00 PM | Comments (1)
some cool links..
- these are the ten commandments..
- remember that big black nurse on ER? well, she aint big no more. she lost over 100 LBS!!
- novel way of organizin a blog community..
- those geeks at google are so cool..
Posted by chars at 01:55 AM | Comments (2)
October 03, 2002
mice are yummy..
i was eatin breakfast this morn and flippin thru the channels on tv when i came across this tv show! wut a great show!! not by todays standards anymeans--but growin up, i wanted to be just like donovan (i refuse to put his picture up)..
they were showin the original mini-series--the very first chapter--and it was great to see how it all began. the visitors arrivin and sayin they came for peace as they slowly assimilate and take over the world. some humans choose to help the visitors while others band together formin a resistance in retaliation..
its interestin to see how the writers were tryin to re-create wut the holocaust must felt to those jews in germany...as they were also actin on the whole cold war scare present in all of america. its also interestin to see how bad the actin and low-tech the costumers (remember the lizard faces?) and special effects were--and how much i ate it up back then. gosh, if given the chance to go back and be a kid gawk over this show knowin wut i know now, id do it in a heartbeat..
and heres the last interestin thing: i luved donovan--i thought he was so coo and debonair in a ruggish way. later on (as many people know), macgyver became my favorite tv show. isnt it fascinatin that both characters sport brown leather jackets??
i gotta get me one..
Posted by chars at 05:26 PM | Comments (2)
October 02, 2002
weak..
do you ever feel like there are some things you just werent meant to understand? like no matter how hard you tried to read up on it, talk to someone knowledgeable on the subject, or even just contemplate for a good ten matters on the matter....you just dont get it?
and thats not to say youre dumb; just that there are certain things out there that werent meant for your brain. and sometimes its not so much the actual subject matter as its the depth of the subject--like you can understand the chapter on relativity as long as you dont read past the first paragraph..
there are a lot of things out there i feel i just dont--or cant--get. the stock market, linear algebra (picture a matrix as a vector? are you crazy?), multi-threadin (confuses the heck out of me), fantasy football (this is damn frustratin)..
and the weird thing is i cant say these realizations undermine my confidence in myself. more like, ive come to see that i have my limitations--which isnt the same thing as my weaknesses (hopefully). i just need to spend more time dealin w/ em, if i choose to deal w/ em..
or maybe they are my weaknesses--and wut i need to do is to definitively work on em. like wut phil jackson says of mj in that imax film, talkin about his shootin and defense when jordan first entered the league: "he [mj] said 'these are my weaknesses. how can i make them my strengths?'"
exactly..
Posted by chars at 11:37 PM | Comments (1)
October 01, 2002
on the contrary..
is there anythin more fascinatin than when you learn something about yourself?
this is gonna sound weird to say. and i think it might shock/hurt some people, but i dont care..
im a contrarian. by my nature, my first response to most things is one of negativity. an acquaintance mentions a certain show is his favorite on tv--one ive never seen; i for no legitimate reason regard it as one that sucks. esther tells me to try her favorite flavor of coffee at starbucks; i take a swig and immediately regurgitate it remarkin 'this is DISGUSTING!!' (wut a lovin husband i am). bad, huh?
(man, i know im gonna regret writin this next part..)
the worst however is when i meet new people. without fail, when i meet someone for the first time i make an immediate and completely unjustified value judgement on em: i dont like you. you laugh too much. you dont laugh enough. why are you lookin so intently me? hey, look at me when im talkin to you!! you talk weird. you talk superficial. you talk too serious. you talk too much. and on and on and on..
and the thing is, i REALIZE i have no good reason to dislike any new person i meet--wut do i gain by dislikin em anyways? maybe its a primitive form of self-protection. but wut is my subconscious protectin me from? who knows (nothin). but thats the response in me--the negativity and cynicism..
so if this new person is someone i end up spendin time with and hence get to know, his/her unknowing job is to prove to me that he/she is someone i can like. isnt that so stupid? its like im placin that person on trial: guilty until proven likable..
but if theres a shadow, then theres light as well. and here is the only upside i must rationalize myself with: if and when that proof comes changin my mind--and heart--then things REALLY change. because not only do i now like him or her, but theres a sincerity there--one that wouldve been amiss otherwise. i have a REASON to like em (you can substitute with 'love' if so desired)--a reason unique to him or her. and sound enough as well as strong enough to break down my wall of pessimistic judgement..
twisted, i am. wrong? quite possibly. i mean, shouldnt we love all our fellow men? thats wut defines our humanity, right? i guess. but if such blind love was the way its supposed to be, wut meaning would we derive from sharin our individual lives (or thoughts, ahem) w/ each other? wut value would there be in one singular person?
okay, enough philosophical meanderin--i didnt mean to go this route. i just wanted to convey that im a half-empty kinda guy..
by the way, i used to hate michael jordan..
Posted by chars at 11:59 PM | Comments (1)