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October 01, 2002
on the contrary..
is there anythin more fascinatin than when you learn something about yourself?
this is gonna sound weird to say. and i think it might shock/hurt some people, but i dont care..
im a contrarian. by my nature, my first response to most things is one of negativity. an acquaintance mentions a certain show is his favorite on tv--one ive never seen; i for no legitimate reason regard it as one that sucks. esther tells me to try her favorite flavor of coffee at starbucks; i take a swig and immediately regurgitate it remarkin 'this is DISGUSTING!!' (wut a lovin husband i am). bad, huh?
(man, i know im gonna regret writin this next part..)
the worst however is when i meet new people. without fail, when i meet someone for the first time i make an immediate and completely unjustified value judgement on em: i dont like you. you laugh too much. you dont laugh enough. why are you lookin so intently me? hey, look at me when im talkin to you!! you talk weird. you talk superficial. you talk too serious. you talk too much. and on and on and on..
and the thing is, i REALIZE i have no good reason to dislike any new person i meet--wut do i gain by dislikin em anyways? maybe its a primitive form of self-protection. but wut is my subconscious protectin me from? who knows (nothin). but thats the response in me--the negativity and cynicism..
so if this new person is someone i end up spendin time with and hence get to know, his/her unknowing job is to prove to me that he/she is someone i can like. isnt that so stupid? its like im placin that person on trial: guilty until proven likable..
but if theres a shadow, then theres light as well. and here is the only upside i must rationalize myself with: if and when that proof comes changin my mind--and heart--then things REALLY change. because not only do i now like him or her, but theres a sincerity there--one that wouldve been amiss otherwise. i have a REASON to like em (you can substitute with 'love' if so desired)--a reason unique to him or her. and sound enough as well as strong enough to break down my wall of pessimistic judgement..
twisted, i am. wrong? quite possibly. i mean, shouldnt we love all our fellow men? thats wut defines our humanity, right? i guess. but if such blind love was the way its supposed to be, wut meaning would we derive from sharin our individual lives (or thoughts, ahem) w/ each other? wut value would there be in one singular person?
okay, enough philosophical meanderin--i didnt mean to go this route. i just wanted to convey that im a half-empty kinda guy..
by the way, i used to hate michael jordan..
Posted by cpaik at October 1, 2002 11:59 PM
Comments
Yeah, and also distinctly recall a time when you never played basketball and never watched sports. Then you went to Duke...
While there is a certain benefit to self-examination and psychoanalysis, sometimes I think it's just good to give yourself a good kick in the behind and tell yourself "Be nice to people."
ji
Posted by: ji at October 2, 2002 10:59 AM