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November 03, 2003
i cant believe..
..i spend my whole day in front of a computer, then when i get home i usually spend half the evenin there as well. ive been tryin to step away from the computer and turn off the tv lately (football and bball dont help) in an effort to be more literate. but it aint easy when theres so much goin on in the world and not inside my head..
- wuts the point of havin a goal? to go after somethin, right? but wuts the point of that? is it just to have somethin to shoot after so we wont be bored or lazy w/ our life? cuz if so, it seems awfully contrived..
- so i raked leaves last sun and this past sat. less than a day after my latest futile effort, i decided i would not rake again until december maybe january. i hate leaves and i hate the trees they fall from, esp when there are two of em whose leaves fall on my yard and my neighbors..
- so esthers applyin for a fellowship right now. a couple other people i know are applyin to go back to various grad schools as well. and it all makes me feel uneasy cuz here i am four yrs removed from college and still wake up each day not knowin where the next 365 will lead me to..
my parents--as most korean parents id imagine--have been insistently nudgin me towards goin back to school. a phone call w/ em rarely ends w/o some remark to that effect. and although i have a sincere desire to go back to school (more on this later), the contrarian in me is willin to not do so simply to rebel against their naggin youre-26-and-we-still-know-wuts-best-for-you nature. yep, im still goin thru puberty--youd know if you saw me cuz of all the zits on my face..
i do wanna go back to school cuz i think bein a little older now i recognize how many opportunities i squandered both in college and high school. i never gave classes the just attention or attendance. i rarely made an academically-pure effort to do my work--it was always about meetin the minimum requirements. and i never really went after anything--i just took the courses i had to take and elected to take other ones that were semi-interestin and easy..
now, i wish i could go back and do it all over cuz i feel like i learned 25% of wut i was taught. not sayin that id go back to redeem myself, but go back for the sake of learnin a little more of all the fascinatin things out there in the world..
- but the one thing that makes me apprehensive to givin grad school another thought are exams. i hate studyin for em and hate takin em. actually, it may be the loomin dread that i despise most--that feelin of a test waitin to devour you at the end of the week. or the next mornin. or even months down the line..
im not a test-taker--too passive or introverted for that crap..
- i think im realizin more and more how deeply passive-aggressive i am. mostly cuz esther is quick to point out my behavior when it emerges (and cuz she hates it)..
i wonder how i became to have so much aggression stored inside me--and why it expresses itself so passively. probly somethin to do w/ the way i was raised..
- a couple things i would like to do someday: write a good song, compose a good score to a movie, have the ability to imagine the entire construct for a novel, and to be able to dunk..
like any of these are out of my reach, theyre just out of my self-image--cept for the dunkin which really is a physical impossibility..
- oh yeah, ive decided to term myself as a devout cynic cuz im full of negativity and pessimism. i sometimes would try to see the optimism in life, but i think im too cynical to believe in such a thing =)..
- this is a weird entry..
Posted by chars at November 3, 2003 05:53 PM