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December 30, 2003
the little booger..
i feel like spillin my thoughts but dont feel like writin, yet im forcin myself to cuz its good to do things i dont necessarily feel like doin..
the week in st louis was good. very chill and relaxin. only spent one day shoppin (christmas eve) so stress was held to a minimum. we got esthers dad a german shepherd, so thats the little booger on the right. watched return of the king and was satisfied enough, but felt like somethin was still amiss--guess i should read the books. spent a whole nite playin hold 'em (poker) which was more fun than it shouldve been--maybe its time to revisit the bellagio..
the drives werent too bad, although i dont really wanna do em again for the main reason of deer. on the way to, i swerved around a recently-hit deer (it was still breathin). and on the way back, swerved again to avoid hittin another one which esther described as "completely gutted". actually, both of those were in maryland--the drive thru the midwest states was quite pleasant..
- so did you see the end of the arizona-minnesota game yester? that was one of the craziest things ive ever seen in the nfl (josh mccown throwin a TD pass to nate poole on 4th-and-24 w/ 0:00 on the clock to eliminate the vikings from the playoffs). but the funniest thing is ive been listenin to various radio shows on espn today and they keep replayin the radio call by the minnesota announcer who after relayin word that the cards scored just shrillingly screams, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" man, i wish i could find a clip for that..
- in the end, of the eight football leagues i played in i won two. but none that really mattered, but wut can i do. well, actually i can formulate better strategies in how i draft and play next season. congratulations, popo for your repeat victory--i guarantee it wont happen again next yr..
- got an interestin phone call from an old friend in nova yester. we hadnt talked in ages and out-of-the-blue he calls me. said he ran into my mom and spoke w/ her for half-an-hr; they are both very loquacious (haha, is it valid to make an extreme adjective more extreme?). apparently, my dear ole matriarch said she was worried about me cuz i wasnt really keepin in touch w/ friends and thought i was secludin myself. oh, so THATS why he called..
haha, but ya kno--it made me think. i do think at times i do inadvertently seclude myself not cuz i am deliberately attemptin to forego relationships, but just cuz at times i dont feel i have a pressin need to have people engaged in my life--esp now that esther is my wife/life. lookin back at the past ten yrs or so, i feel like there was some sort of pattern of spendin-loads-of-time-w/-people and avoidin-loads-of-time-w/-people and it would seem right now, im in that latter period yet again..
maybe its the way i grew up, gettin very used to bein alone and self-sufficient, if i can call it that. it takes effort to communicate w/ people, much less get to know new ones. and beyond that, it takes a real desire to want to know someone, which leads to the inevitable care and concern for em cuz he or she will then qualify as a friend. haha, i make it sound like its such a horrible thing--hmm, i shouldnt have even started..
- actually, a question that just occurred to me while writin the above paragraph is this: am i bein selfish when i am gettin to know someone? if i wanna be friends w/ someone, am i bein selfish? cuz obviously if i think someone is coo and wanna get to know em, then in doin so im also gettin them to know me. and in either a small or big way, i become a part of their life and they are now required to get me a christmas present. haha, no. they are now goin to care about me to some extent, right? and so havent i, in essence, merely drawn them into fulfill some self-servin interest of mine?
- haha, so i can say i married esther for selfish reasons. but if instead the converse is true, then in marryin esther im sayin it was for a selfless cause. "i married her for her own good!" and so, im basically castin myself in an egotistical light. hmmm, seems like a self-centered situation either way..
- man, wut da hell am i writin about?
- oh yeah, went to my very first nfl game last wk, bengals at the rams. edward jones dome is a very nice home-field advantage for st louis. its not too big so it gets quite loud. and watchin your own fantasy players perform for you IN PERSON is such a great feelin--i felt like some proud dad or somethin. haha..
Posted by cpaik at 01:40 AM
December 17, 2003
road trip..
so esther and i are headin to her folks home in st louis this sat--by car. its a 13-hr drive, so if we leave early sat mornin we should be there by nightfall. and in one piece we hope..
we decided to drive instead of fly a few weeks back cuz we were both sick of planes (actually, airports) and we wanted to save some $$. plus, we wanted to bring the dogs and thought a road trip would sound fun. ill let ya know how reality in fact turns out..
- im no longer pissed about fantasy football. just morose over the whole damn thing. i still have two (of eight) leagues to compete in the playoffs for and i havent really had any desire to read any articles or even look at my rosters. man, has anyone heard of such a stoopid reason to feel down??
- esther and i saw the last samurai on sat. and although i initially liked the film, w/ every passin thought i gave it the more i found it just kinda....formulaic. i thought it was a great premise, but nothin real fresh or new in the story. the plot just plodded along w/ the conventional battle, character-growth scenes one would expect in a so-called epic. ultimately, although i found it to be a pleasant film, i see it basically as dances w/ wolves in japan..
- but that katsumoto (ken watanabe) actor was impressive..
- next film i really wanna see: big fish..
- it once again does not really feel like christmas right now. and its weird cuz its damn cold, its snowed a few times now, and my neighborhood is all decorated w/ pretty lights. guess disbelievin in santa clause can effectively kill the sentiment..
- read a very interestin interview w/ scott turow (presumed innocent) about his new book concernin the death penalty. made me feel simultaneously uneasy about the current state of capital punishment across the varyin states and somewhat pleased that at least some people/political figures are engaged in intellectual debate over the issue..
- im really focusin on fantasy bball now. so mungmungdog, watch out..
Posted by cpaik at 05:32 PM
December 15, 2003
i hate me..
well, my flight through football fantasy-land has pretty much come to an end..
yester was a very dark day. it was by far my worst fantasy football day of the year--and it had to come in the first week of the playoffs for most of my leagues. of the four playoff games i was in this week, i only emerged from one. gawddammit..
seriously though, it may sound stoopid to most who read this entry but i was pretty depressed yester evenin. and its not so much that i just lost--its more of wut those losses reflected: that i suck. all i had worked for, every article i read, every player i researched and followed, every minute thought spent was for not. like i tried and i failed, so i suck..
yeah, lets do the michael jordan and think how its not many times you fail, but how many times you get up afterwards that counts--wutever. me, i just wanna sleep for a week. i have no will to play. i dont even wanna try in the remainin two leagues i have a chance in..
at least, esther took me to one of her holiday parties w/ an open bar. although gettin liquored up in an already dejected state only heightens the suicidal feelin..
anyways, i gotta start this stoopid week..
Posted by cpaik at 09:00 AM
December 09, 2003
one very meanderin stream..
esthers been tellin me i should get a haircut. i only just realized i havent had one since oct....and as much as i would like to let my hair grow out (less maintenance), i have a hard enough time lookin good much less w/ long hair....ive realized my negativity often defeats me. im too cynical for my own good....the nfls regular season is over in three weeks. which mean fantasy football effectively ends in three weeks. guess its all bball till april....christmas is wut, two weeks away. and it doesnt even feel like it. even w/ the snow. im forcin myself to listen to a christmas mix i made for the drive home to get into the jolly ole mood....i think ill always enjoy mario kart. even when im 70 and they come out w/ mario kart 2048....gettin a new hard drive has given me a feelin of peace and stability.... watchin the girl not pick the average joe last nite deflates the belief in the common man....i have a problem: im a mountain-dew-olic. i wonder if one day ill be too ashamed to tell that to my kids. provided ill be able to have any....squandered opportunity incites me to anger very quickly. in any situation, but esp driving--im so stoopid....more than anywhere ive lived or been to, i often miss a particular place in time. i usually revel in the past or ponder about the future. i wonder why im never content in the present....im very good at puttin things off. readin, errands, bills, everythin--probly, livin too. haha....i find it fascinatin--and fortunate--how esther may not like the things i enjoy, yet still likes me nonetheless....was watchin this special on the iron man competition in hawaii. that thing is just insane. but if you can swim 2.5 miles, the hop on a bike for 112 miles, and finish off runnin a marathon (26 miles), is there anythin in this world you wouldnt be able to do?? seriously, if you finish that crazy race you could go on and accomplish wutever else you wanted..
Posted by cpaik at 05:20 PM